Dating in the #MeToo Era

Dating in the #MeToo Era

Dating in the #MeToo era can be awkward. And oh-so telling.

No doubt, if you are nowadays dating and meeting new men, or perhaps getting to know one special guy, you are discussing world and national events. Which is a good. That’s a gauge of someone’s values and morals and will help you fast-track your compatibility.

Inevitably, maybe even regarding the first date depending on what’s in the news, the #MeToo movement will come up. And, for many women over 40, it may trigger deep emotions and past trauma. How he reacts can be very illuminating.

Lucky you if right outta the gate he has an evolved, educated and sensitive and painful position on this matter. Excellent!

Hopefully he’s taken the time and energy to read or talk to women about their experiences, to empathize with what 75% of us have dealt with during our careers.

Or, maybe – and more realistically- that may not happen plenty.

But, don’t panic. Yet.

Don’t be too hard on the guy if he doesn’t ‘get #MeToo at first.

Boomer women are the least very likely to report or openly talk about sex-based harassment they have experienced.

That makes sense, right?

We launched our careers at a time when neither the law, nor the powers-that-be protected us. So, we did what we felt we had to.

We kept our mouth shut, our eyes forward and plowed through, internalizing all the way. And enduring also.

We shut the hell up and stuffed it, which is one reason men can be dense on this issue. It’s not anything we talked about in polite company, so to speak.

Thankfully, we don’t need certainly to keep our mouths shut any more.

So, in case the guy isn’t taking #MeToo as seriously as you are, then it’s time to start talking. Like I did with my husband.

Larry and I went car-shopping recently. As soon as the salesman approached us I caused it to be clear that I was buying the car and that it was for ME to drive

The salesman smiled, looked right at Larry…and the prick continued to address ONLY Larry for the rest of our time regarding the lot!

I was fuming once we left.

Larry didn’t possess a clue.

‘Seriously? Nothing.

And so I took a deep breath and tried to educated him.

I opened his eyes to how that man patronized me and dismissed me as he tried to become pals with him. I guess he assumed The Man had the money additionally the power. Or maybe he was just so used to demeaning and ignoring women he didn’t even think about it. He just did what he always does.

Larry finally got it. But I had to show him first. So when thoughtful as he is, he surely wasn’t where I was regarding the pissed-off scale.

I was a 10. He was teetering on a 5 or 6.

The sexual double-standard is so insidious in our world that even the good guys don’t notice it sometimes.

And Larry, like most men, is a good guy which generally speaking desires to be ‘woke.

That’s why, instead of getting pissed off that he didn’t automatically see how that guy was treating me, I took the time showing him.

Dating in the #MeToo era can be in your favor.

In regards up, if your guy shows some degree of interest and intelligence but is a little clueless, maybe it’s worth taking a little time to school him.

Share one of your jerky car salesman experiences. (I’m sure you have many to choose from.) Let the dude know how it’s been for you.

It’s going to reveal if he really is a good guy, who wants to understand. And if you’re compatible in any way, it’s going to only deepen your degree of communication.

But hey girlfriend, if you take the time to help him get it, but he however doesn’t even as a level ‘5…then he doesn’t want to.

That, in my own book, is a deal-breaker, so…buh-bye.

You see an online profile of a guy which seems great. Or you show up to your coffee date and wowza, he’s way cuter, nicer, smarter, funnier than you expected. Just how to let him know you are interested, in no uncertain terms, but without coming on too strong?

You’re getting one of my absolute best recommendations today.

I’m going to show you just how to use ‘nuggets as a new solution to let him know you are interested. Nuggets allow you to express yourself with men and get to know them. In a real way. Genuinely. Instantly.

You know…like when you meet a man and wish you could jump up and down, wave your arms and scream: check me dude…we have potential!

Using nuggets, you’ll be able to show him things about yourself that you want him to learn like your beliefs, feelings, values, and goals. And, in turn, you will help him expose his. All the stuff that matters in a grownup relationship and that frequently takes years to learn.

You can also know if he’s wrong for you…and pretty quickly.

Yep! When nuggets are used right — in a smart, kind, elegant way — every experience you have with men is richer.

Nuggets not only let him know you are interested they help you share who you are, not just what you do.

Okay…so what the hell is a nugget?

Nuggets are bitesize pieces of information that help you express yourself in a way men can hear.

My husband says it best:

Women talk in stories; men want to listen in headlines!

You use nuggets to tell him about yourself and help him get to know you without making his head explode with details and long stories.

And listed here is the best part: in turn, you understand him!

No interrogation. No manipulation. No oversharing. You know…Like a Grownup. 🙂

Examples of just how to relate with a man using nuggets.

Here’s a scenario: You’re out by way of a guy on a first date or maybe getting to know each other over the phone. He says ‘I see you have dogs. Or maybe ‘what do you do to unwind?

You can say:

‘I walk my dogs into the park every evening after I get home from work.

Or you can say:

‘My favorite solution to unwind is always to take my two pups on a brisk walk each evening in Golden Gate Park. Getting a workout while coming in contact with base with nature at the end of the afternoon sets me into the best mood.

In a couple seconds, he’s learned that you love the outdoors and animals. He’s got an image of you being active and communing with nature; that’s sensual. He knows you value exercise and are usually not a settee potato. He knows you’re a woman which takes care of her needs. And he knows when he goes out with you at night you’re going to be in a great mood. 🙂

The first way tells him what you DO: you walk your dogs into the park. It’s ‘just the facts ma’am. The second paints a picture of who you ARE and what you value. It also gives him a glimpse of your lifestyle.

Wow! You’ve told him lot of important things about you…without talking his ears off.

Now…here’s the very magic of your nuggets: you are going to now understand him!

He can respond: Oh geez. That appears like a great way to unwind. Can I join you sometime?

Or he can respond: Hmmm. I’m not big regarding the nature thing and I’m allergic to dogs.

He can even respond with nothin’. Nada.

It’s all good information, right?

Here are various other examples of good nuggets:

I sponsor a boy in El Salvador because I believe in giving back. I’m constantly reminded of how fortunate I am and I believe it’s my duty becoming charitable. (in place of ‘I like to give to charity.)

My ethnic background is Armenian, an ancient people that should have disappeared long ago given all the troubles they’d faced within the centuries. Therefore the experiences of my ancestors make me both strong and compassionate. (in place of ‘I’m Armenian.)

I like to travel as it brings perspective to my life to see how other people think and live. (in place of ‘I love to travel.)

I’m a ‘wherever I hang my hat’ form of gal. I have moved lot in the last ten years. I don’t possess a favorite because each offered something unique and gave me the chance to learn anything new. (in place of ‘I’ve moved a lot or listing off the places you’ve lived.)

Penguins are my favorite animal because they are so devoted, adorable and dressed up and stylish. I’d love to see them all be able to live in their own habitat someday. ( Instead of just ‘penguins are my favorite animal.)

I like my job as it challenges me and gives me to be able to help men and women. Nearly all of my clients are becoming lifelong friends. ( Instead of the requisite ‘I love my job.)

Can you see how much richness can be encapsulated into merely a sentence or two? And how giving him that little bit of depth can lead him to respond with the same?

Is it possible to see why so many first dates go no further? Or why dates get boring and no real connection is made? You say you love to travel and he says he does. Maybe you compare where you’ve visited. So what? You’re not sharing anything that is meaningful about one another or that sets you apart from the other women he’s met.

Nevertheless when you say why you love it, you introduce a whole new layer of communication and opportunity to get to know one another.

The key to nuggets.

So, next time you are talking or emailing with a man, ask yourself: are I just relaying facts or are I sharing feelings? Are I helping him get to know things I think are important for him to know about me? Are I giving him a glimpse into which I really are as being a person and a woman?*

That is simple, but I promise it will instantly boost your dating experience.

Oh…one last Big Tip to help you make that genuine connection and let him know you are searching for him.

Notice that a number of my examples contain the word BECAUSE? I like my job because…I like to travel because…penguins are my favorite animal because. When you’re fighting creating some meaningful nuggets, simply add the word because. See how that moves you from fact to feeling? Voila!!

* By the way, don’t worry that letting him know you will be interested or giving him more about yourself might turn him off. If he’s turned off by learning anything about you that you find meaningful, then that’s good! He’s not for you and you learned it in early stages. Then!

In my own post ‘How To Get What You Want From Men ( So You Can Both Be Happy) I told you that if you want to give a man the most wonderful gift, tell him what will allow you to be happy. Then let him take action.

Here’s a piece of that post:

When a man cares for you or desires to impress you, he desires to get it right. He wants you to clue him in to what you like and what you want.

The ‘how in asking for for what you want from a man is sooooo vital.

I was reminded of that when, after reading the article, one of my clients said, ‘But my ex-husband always accused me of being demanding when I asked for anything!

Yep, good point. While he could have been a guy which just didn’t want to do things for her, she could have very well been asking in a demanding way. Which likes to be demanded to accomplish anything, right?

Just how to Ask a Man for What You desire and Need

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D features a must-read article on this subject. She gives such thoughtful coaching on how important it really is becoming clear on what you want…and then to ask for it.

Dr. Tessina tells you just how to do so in a way that achieves your result and at the same time letting your man feel proud and happy that he did anything to please you.

When talking about the gender differences, she says, ‘women need to know just how to ask men for what they want directly, and in a rational, not emotional manner. She goes on to say, ‘men respond far better to ‘honey, will you take out the garbage?’ than to a whiney ‘the garbage can is overflowing, also it smells bad.’

Dr. Tessina makes the vital point that there is a big difference between asking and demanding:

She says, ‘you can tell the difference because when you are asking, you can handle getting a no answer.

Here are her directions in summary:

1. Get clear in what you want.

2. Create a good atmosphere.

3. Simply state what you want.

4. Anticipate to accept a ‘no.

Be sure to read Dr. Tessina’s full article Asking for What you Want.

Into the world of mature dating, Dr. Tessina and I agree that it’s your responsibility to learn just how to ask without demanding. It’s a skill, and even requires some practice.

If you’re expecting your man to figure out what you want, most of the time you’re going to feel rejected and disappointed. And there’s no basis for this!

When you give him to be able to allow you to be happy, he will likely take action. IF he knows how!

Helping him know how to please you in a kind and non-threatening way will make your dating, relationship, or marriage more fulfilling and happier for you both.

Now go! Read the article Asking for What you Want.